I’m thanatophobic! I’m afraid that I will die due to a lack of oxygen to breathe or drowning in water or due to an environmental crisis. These fears have made me care about the environment around me or at least pretend that I care about it. Now, chocking due to the new virus got added to my long list of fears. Despite my fear, I’m very neutral about COVID-19, for the reason that I can’t do anything except staying at home.
The lock-down has helped the nature to heal itself, I see clear skies with brightly dotted stars at night and the morning skies are less hazy. A couple of days ago, the moonlight through our bedroom window was as bright as a spotlight. The leaves are greener, birds seem to be plenty, the news channels broadcasting about the animals roaming freely in the cityscapes are heartwarming, mushrooms are popping up along the roadside after the mango showers and the lichens have started appearing on the trees. The pictures depicting the air quality improvement in metro cities, mountain ranges visible from far distances and the Ganges flowing blue and pure, I wish that stays forever. Now I feel that I must restart riding the bicycle to work after the lockdown is lifted, I can be of little help to the environment. One of my fear is now healing the other! Not sure if I’m supposed to rejoice or frown. Mother nature is unpredictable, she has her own ways and she will heal.
It is about 20 days since the lockdown, the rise in the number of cases is exponential. Everything has come to a hard halt. The news aired is very depressing and the newspapers carry pictures of souls crying. The situation is terrible, it also looks like it is going out of control. Between all these, we need emotional support and a little hope that we will all get through this. Remember how a campfire warms and slightly boosts one’s courage, we need that now, we need to feel that we all will get through this together. Humans feel secured with the other around, we need that strength, we need a mental belief that we can live through this.
We coincidentally came down to Mysuru on the day of the lockdown. I cannot imagine how we would have survived there. We would have missed the family here so badly.
If I have put on weight, which now seems definite, or if I do not fit into my clothes, please blame the ladies at home who cook up some delicious meals 3 times a day. We have started spending quality time with each other. We sit down together on the floor to have our meals, we talk, we communicate, we have laughed and we have recalled some memories together. We have started waving at the neighbors and wishing them well. I also wished that my grandparents were around. My one-year-old niece has been the entertainer around the home, we cannot get our eyes out of her cuteness. I have taught her to make faces and she has picked it skillfully. My average weekly working hours has reduced to 9 hours from 11 hours, yet completing all the assigned work. WFH has been bliss so far. I completed reading a book and picked the second one, walked indoors a full marathon distance and trying my best to stretch muscles doing few Soorya Namaskaras in the morning.
In the initial few days, I followed the news like my dad, I knew the latest at any time of the day. After a few days when the outbreak became a forest fire, I shutdown myself from every news hitting my ears. I only followed one, to stay at home. I did not listen to anybody, I followed what seemed more logical to me, I was not stupid, I just stayed at home. I behaved like an outcast, I didn’t accept any of the challenges which were pushed on social media, I didn’t fall into the celebrities’ promotional videos where they posed to be home and do the chores, I didn’t even post a selfie, I didn’t do any daredevil stuff by stepping out of the home to see how many are not on the streets.
I feel that I’m more than privileged, we have more of everything to have the most comfortable lockdown at home. We are really thankful for that. My family is safe, we have regular supplies of everything like the usual days. Only our outdoor activities are cut down. The lockdown is not the same for everyone, the ones at the bottom of the pyramid are having a tough time and it is visible. In the corner of my mind, I feel guilty, staying somewhere towards the top of the pyramid, I have created a difference, which I cannot remove. I feel a sense of helplessness.
As days progress, I feel more insecure. I do not know to grow my food, I do not know to stitch my clothes, I cannot fix a leaking water pipe or the wastewater drain, I cannot repair something which is broken beyond a point, I do not know how to cut my hair or I do not know to repair a motorbike. I have moved far from the basics. The people who are skilled with these basic life skills are at the bottom of the pyramid and they are in trouble. If the lockdown continues for 6 months or more, let us hope it doesn’t, and we are cut down from the basic needs, I do not think it would be comfortable at all. I do not see my education or my current job would help me through that. I will have to learn basic skills and change my lifestyle drastically. All this makes me feel that I have been living in a false made up society, which promises everything but takes away the basic living skills.
I’m an introvert, I rarely like long discussions with people. My phone calls end within a minute on average. These times have helped me open up and speak. I spoke to a vegetable vendor, asked him the whereabouts, spoke to a grocery shopkeeper, asked him about his wellness. There is a conscious effort to focus more on what is important and many things have come down to its basics. Once we all get through this, I guess we will see more of ‘humans’. Wishing all of us good luck.
